"For the longest time, I didn't realize all of the self talk that was going on in my head. For me, much of that was ruled by the fear of what other people thought of me."
As I read these opening sentences to Solution 48: Build Confidence, I thought I must've forgotten about ghost writing this chapter for Scott. This is one of the latest realizations I've had about my life. For as long as I can remember, I've been talking to myself day in and day out. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone else had these conversations with themselves too. I've heard about how people had "voices in their head" and how that wasn't particularly okay, but for some reason the voice in my head was exempt from this.
This voice would always tell me things that I thought I wanted to hear. I would spend most of my days in my head instead of playing outside in the real world. I would overanalyze everything that I could think of, including myself. I never had a quiet moment in my life, even if I was sitting in complete silence. But, to me this was the norm so I never thought to do anything about it.
I now see I've been trying to protect myself from the outside world by reassuring myself (internally) that everything is okay. I have been creating false truths inside so it didn't matter what was going on outside of my head, it didn't apply to me. This is a mindset that I am so glad I am relieving myself of. I've made many discoveries about myself and one of them is confidence - Solution 48.
When I'm by myself I can say anything and believe it. I can execute, I can achieve all of my goals, I can be myself and I can conquer the world. But when it's time to connect with other people, I can no longer hear those thoughts. The only thing I can do is focus on how other people see me. I worry about how I am presenting and fear that others won't accept me for who I am. Then I start to doubt myself and the “fake” confidence I built in my head comes crashing down. It simply never survives in the real world.
Over time, I got tired of rebuilding the fake confidence. So I pushed the pieces out of the way and never faced them again. I began seeking confidence from other people to figure out what I could do to be accepted. I began molding myself to be whatever was good enough for everyone around me ... that was tiresome. I've been so many different things ...
I should be able to be myself without fear of anyone or anything rejecting me. That's why I'm currently on day 2 of my dedicated self discovery journey. I haven't known me for a very long time now. The song "Stranger In My House" by Tamia is playing in my head, because I feel like I've been living with a stranger for all my life. I feel like I've been a victim of an identity theft that I committed... to myself.
I realize I have a lot of work ahead but that won't deter me from reaching my goal of more self awareness, higher confidence and emotional intelligence. I now know what I want out of life and I am going for it. I am working towards all of my dreams and goals until I reach them and then I'm working some more. I'm so glad I came across this solution when I did.
Completing both Action Idea questions of this Solution has me more prepared for this journey than I ever were. I have created some affirmations to assist me in my confidence building job. I'll be saying these affirmations throughout the coming days so I can constantly remind myself of the person I am meant to be, the person I'm becoming. Here's what I came up with:
"I am beautiful from the inside out"
"I am enough as I am"
"I am safe to show up as myself"
"I am accepted for me"
"I am aware of me and free to be"
Even saying these while I was typing brought a smile over my face. I'm so happy for this new version of myself that I am upgrading to. This new world, this new life, this new love that will be in my life. It already feels so great to be here. I couldn't thank myself more.
What I Learned About Myself
I am open to learning more things as Scott suggests to help build my confidence. I am willing to put myself out there and know that the people who are meant for me will accept me as I truly am instead of being someone who I think they want me to be. I am done considering what other people think about me because I know me and their opinion isn’t as important as mine.
What I Learned About The World
Nine times out of ten, no one is really worried about me like I've convinced myself they are. Mostly, everyone is thinking about themselves and how they are presenting. And if anyone is worried about or judging me they are simply having their own battle with who they are and how they see themselves. I learned the world is safe for me to exist.
From This Day Forward
I will continue to build my confidence and awareness of myself. I am stepping into the new version of myself and I am returning the old version of me. I love you girl, but we have to part ways. I am the embodiment of confidence.
Six Solutions down, 65 to go.